How We Can Overcome Communication Barriers

Contributed by Nikolas Ragiadakos, MA

Moving to a new country can be exciting and full of opportunities for new experiences.

A lot of things can feel different from our native culture and can lead to discoveries regarding the local way of life, food, how to communicate with others, values, and rituals.

But being an expat sometimes may feel alienating and isolating. In such moments we may feel the wish to belong and feel understood within a culture that may be very different to the culture that we grew up in and where we cannot take for granted unspoken social rituals and customs.

The social rules and expectations can be radically different when we try to immerse ourselves in a new culture. For example, when we meet people is it culturally appropriate to acknowledge them with a nod, offer our hand for a handshake, embrace them in a hug, or to bow?

At the same time, we may make assumptions about spoken and unspoken communications in the new culture that could lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings.

So, why do we often misunderstand each other?

• The reality is that we cannot know what is in another person’s mind unless they tell us themselves.
• We may think that we know what the other person is experiencing, and therefore we may not check it out with them.
• So, instead of considering the other person’s point of view, at times, we may just focus on our own perception because in the moment it may feel unsettling to consider opinions that contradict our own.
• We may not share our thoughts and feelings with others, especially when we feel uncomfortable. That means that others don’t know what is going on for us.

How we can notice misunderstandings

• Be aware when we assume that we know what is going on in other people’s minds and we are certain about their motives without any doubt. The lack of curiosity in our thinking can indicate assumptions.
• When we think in absolute right vs wrong or black and white ways. When it comes to different cultures what may be socially acceptable in one could be inappropriate in another. So, we need to be aware when we may generalise, i.e., “always”, “never”, and being preoccupied with rules of how things “should” or “should not” be.
• Most expats need to be patient with the process of familiarising ourselves with the hosting culture’s customs, values, rituals, and pop culture. Be aware that when we compare our native culture to the hosting one and make vague evaluations and judgments, we may end up marginalise ourselves, experience lasting frustrations and create social isolation.
• Another experience to be aware of is when we may fill in the blanks when we are not sure about something. At times we may feel uncomfortable, tired, or we may not have the mental space to ask for (further) clarifications and so we may notice that we try to create meaning out of not enough information.
• Trying to control a social situation by shutting down, withdrawing, and refusing to talk through differences of opinion.

What can we do to improve our communication?

• During moments of miscommunications, we could focus on our breath to calm our mind and create space to slow things down and think about what may be happening in the moment. Practicing mindfulness can help us to do that.
• We can check what our thoughts and feelings may be in the moment. Take a moment to be curious why we may have a particular experience.
• What are the triggers that make us feel out of control or out of balance? Do we feel misunderstood or confused about a communication? Is there a cultural element that is confusing us?
• Can we share our experience with another person without blaming others? We can share how we feel by making an “I” statement, i.e. “I feel ignored when you don’t look at me while I speak to you. It makes me feel like what I say is not important.”
• We can avoid making statements that start with “You” as the other may feel blamed, i.e. “You don’t look at me when I speak to you. You don’t care about what I say”. If the other feels criticised, they may stop listening to us. We give someone feedback because we want to let them know how we feel, not for them to agree with us and make it better, or because we hold a grudge and want to make them feel bad.
• We are genuinely interested in howothers may be feeling or thinking in the moment, so we ask them what their experience is in the moment. In some cultures, it is normal for people to become passionate when they debate. In other cultures, it may be considered rude to raise your voice and be very animated.
• A more challenging task for us is to become open to explore how we may have contributed to a problem or difficult communication and how we may have affected others. Accepting responsibility is not easy, especially when we feel misunderstood. Being responsible in how we speak is not about blaming ourselves.

We all may experience any of the above interpersonal challenges, even within our own culture. It is always useful to slow things down, check how we feel, and consider how we can maintain communication with others rather than reacting to feeling misunderstood. This is an ongoing learning opportunity that can lead to healthier communication skills for all of us.

Author: Nikolas Ragiadakos, MA