When an Adult Child Relationship Becomes Harmful: The Parent’s Dilemma in International Families

Contributed by Naomi Taylor

Most conversations about adult child relationships focus on estrangement.

But there is another reality that many parents quietly live with.

The relationship has not ended. Yet the contact itself has become distressing, unpredictable, or even frightening.

Some parents describe living in a constant state of tension. Phone calls escalate into accusations. Requests for help become demands. Financial support becomes expected but rarely resolves the underlying problems.

This situation can leave parents caught in a painful dilemma.

Do you continue helping in the hope that things might improve, or do you step back to protect yourself?

Neither choice feels simple.

For internationally mobile families, these dilemmas can become even more complex. Adult children may live in a different country, or parents themselves may be living abroad. Distance does not necessarily reduce the emotional intensity of the relationship. In some cases it can amplify it.

In expatriate families there may also be fewer support systems around the parent. Extended family members may live on another continent and long established friendships may not exist in the same way they might in a home country. Parents may find themselves navigating distressing situations without the wider network that might normally offer support.

For some adult children who grew up internationally, returning to a perceived home country may not feel possible. The place others imagine as “home” may no longer feel familiar. There may be no extended family left there and no clear support system to reconnect with.

This can be particularly true for adults who grew up as Third Culture Kids. Children raised across several countries often develop connections to many places yet may not feel a complete sense of belonging in any single one. As adults, they may remain in the country where their parents were/are working overseas or move to yet another country. When difficulties arise later in life, there may be no obvious place to return to for support.

FINANCIAL SUPPORT IN AN ADULT CHILD RELATIONSHIP

Some adult children remain financially dependent on their parents long into adulthood. This dependency can sometimes exist alongside addiction, untreated mental health struggles, unstable employment, or chaotic decision-making.

Parents may hear statements such as:

“If you do not send money, I will not be able to eat.”
“I will not be able to pay my rent.”
“You are abandoning me when I need you.”

These situations place enormous emotional pressure on a parent.

Providing financial support may bring temporary relief. The immediate crisis passes and the conflict quietens for a while.

But many parents then find themselves wondering whether the money has genuinely helped or simply allowed the pattern to continue.

When families live across countries, financial dependency can become even more complex. Currency differences, visa restrictions, and relocation costs may all increase the pressure.

WHEN CONCERN AND FEAR BECOME ENTANGLED

Parents often worry about what might happen if they refuse.

Will their adult child go hungry?
Become homeless?
Fall into greater difficulty?

In families where alcohol or drugs are involved, the fear can take on additional layers.

Parents may worry that money could fund behaviour that places their child at risk. Accidents, violence, arrests, or situations where their safety is compromised.

For families living internationally there may also be concerns about unfamiliar legal systems. Risky behaviour abroad can sometimes carry serious consequences, leaving parents feeling powerless thousands of miles away.

Even when a parent recognises that giving money may not be helpful, the fear of what might happen otherwise can feel overwhelming.

DEPENDENCY CAN DEVELOP IN COMPLICATED WAYS

For many parents, an adult child relationship can become increasingly complex when dependency, conflict, or manipulation develops.

Sometimes the adult child relies heavily on the parent for financial or emotional stability. Parents may find themselves pulled back into a role that feels closer to parenting a teenager than relating to another adult.

They may repeatedly step in to solve crises, calm conflict, or repair damage.

Over time both sides can become caught in the pattern.

The adult child may experience the parent as controlling or interfering.
The parent may experience the adult child as irresponsible or unsafe.

Neither perspective fully captures the complexity of what is happening between them.

WHEN COMMUNICATION BECOMES HOSTILE

In some families, communication shifts from disagreement into hostility.

Parents may experience verbal abuse, intimidation, or aggressive behaviour. Voices raised late into the night. Doors slammed. Objects thrown.

Sometimes the behaviour can feel physically threatening.

Where distance is involved, the distress may arrive through late night calls, urgent messages, repeated crises, or long periods of silence. Parents may find themselves worrying about unanswered messages and not knowing where their adult child is or whether they are safe.

These experiences can leave parents feeling constantly on alert despite being thousands of miles away.

In smaller expatriate communities, there can also be an increased level of visibility. Social circles tend to be close-knit, and news spreads rapidly. Parents might feel a sense of embarrassment or shame if others find out what is happening within the family.

THE EMOTIONAL CONFLICT PARENTS CARRY

Perhaps the most painful part of this dilemma is the emotional conflict beneath it.

Parents often hold two powerful truths at the same time.

They care deeply about their child’s wellbeing.
And they are also being hurt by the relationship.

Some parents describe feeling trapped between two fears.

If they continue helping, they may be enabling behaviour that harms their child.

If they stop helping, they fear abandoning someone they love.

Neither option feels right.

THERE ARE RARELY SIMPLE ANSWERS

Every family situation is different.

Dependency, addiction, trauma, mental health difficulties, and family history can all shape these dynamics in unique ways.

In therapy, the focus is rarely on judging the parent or blaming the adult child. Instead the work often centres on helping parents think carefully about boundaries, responsibility, and their own wellbeing within the relationship.

For parents living internationally or far from familiar support systems, having a confidential space to explore these dilemmas can be particularly important.

Author: Naomi Taylor

Naomi Taylor is a BACP accredited integrative counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 20 years of experience. Based in Vietnam, she works online with expatriates, and internationally mobile adults navigating complex relationships, identity transitions, and family dynamics across cultures.